Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize