I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I just want to make out with him forever
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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