To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize