I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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