You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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