I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
