I'm going to rape someone's good day.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
