he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
