totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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