I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
