That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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