i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
