I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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