You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
