Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
