Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
