Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
my liver is dry heaving
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
