Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
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