thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize