I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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