I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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