I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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