Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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