so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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