yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
You can't just leave with hair like that
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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