On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
