Can Purell be used as lube?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
