I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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