Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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