I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize