i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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