If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize