Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
