apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
