If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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