the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
