I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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