Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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