i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize