You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize