ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
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