there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
