How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
