I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I am available for nakedness
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize