I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
