if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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