Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
The struggles of a small town man whore
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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