How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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