I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
