when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
