i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
