You're completely useless in the revolution.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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