My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
