nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
