a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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