I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
