Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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