Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
