I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
