You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
