Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
