I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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