he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
