How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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