Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize