You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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