You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
