have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
