I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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