i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
