The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
