I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
