There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
