Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
