I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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