I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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