Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
