Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Randomize
