Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
why does every cop we meet know your name?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
