Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
