I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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