ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
