if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
